Shrek2.txt

SHREK] Written by William Steig & Ted Elliott


SHREK] Once upon a time there was a lovely  princess. But she had an enchantment  upon her of a fearful sort which could  only be broken by love's first kiss.  She was locked away in a castle guarded  by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.  Many brave knights had attempted to  free her from this dreadful prison,  but non prevailed. She waited in the  dragon's keep in the highest room of  the tallest tower for her true love  and true love's first kiss. (laughs)  Like that's ever gonna happen. What  a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his  day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go  after the ogre.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME]
MAN1] Think it's in there?
MAN2] All right. Let's get it!
MAN1] Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that  thing can do to you?
MAN3] Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's  bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK] Yes, well, actually, that would be a  giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.  They'll make a suit from your freshly  peeled skin.
MEN] No!
SHREK] They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the  jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's  quite good on toast.
MAN1] Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!  (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The  men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long  and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the  men are in the dark.
SHREK] This is the part where you run away.  (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)  And stay out! (looks down and picks  up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.  Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and  throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY] There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard  sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures  to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line  are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto  who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three  little pigs.
GUARD] All right. This one's full. Take it  away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD] Next!
GUARD] (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!  Your flying days are over. (breaks the  broom in half)
HEAD GUARD] That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.  Next!
GUARD] Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD] Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR] (crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY] Please, don't turn me in. I'll never  be stubborn again. I can change. Please!  Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN] Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY] Oh!
HEAD GUARD] Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO] This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO] I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his  nose grows)
HEAD GUARD] Five shillings for the possessed toy.  Take it away.
PINOCCHIO] Father, please! Don't let them do this!  Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up  to the table.
HEAD GUARD] Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN] Well, I've got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD] Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,  if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN] Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD] Well?
OLD WOMAN] Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little  nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.  Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
HEAD GUARD] That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN] No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends  to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to  talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing  you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD] Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN] No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One  of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's  hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled  with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
DONKEY] Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN] He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS] He can fly!
HEAD GUARD] He can talk!
DONKEY] Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm  a flying, talking donkey. You might  have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly  but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey  fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins  to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink  to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD] Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)  After him!
GUARDS] He's getting away! Get him! This way!  Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.  Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared  for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He  quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD] You there. Ogre!
SHREK] Aye?
HEAD GUARD] By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized  to place you both under arrest and transport  you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK] Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well  and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail  and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and  begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY] Can I say something to you? Listen,  you was really, really, really somethin'  back here. Incredible!
SHREK] Are you talkin' to...(he turns around  and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back  around and Donkey is right in front  of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY] Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell  you that you that you was great back  here? Those guards! They thought they  was all of that. Then you showed up,  and bam! They was trippin' over themselves  like babes in the woods. That really  made me feel good to see that.
SHREK] Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY] Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK] Now, why don't you go celebrate your  freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY] But, uh, I don't have any friends. And  I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,  wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll  stick with you. You're mean, green,  fightin' machine. Together we'll scare  the spit out of anybody that crosses  us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very  loudly.
DONKEY] Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you  don't mind me sayin', if that don't  work, your breath certainly will get  the job done, 'cause you definitely  need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause  you breath stinks! You almost burned  the hair outta my nose, just like the  time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey  continues to talk, so Shrek removes  his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten  berries. I had strong gases leaking  out of my butt that day.
SHREK] Why are you following me?
DONKEY] I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause  I'm all alone, There's no one here beside  me, My problems have all gone, There's  no one to deride me, But you gotta have  faith...
SHREK] Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't  have any friends.
DONKEY] Wow. Only a true friend would be that  cruelly honest.
SHREK] Listen, little donkey. Take a look at  me. What am I?
DONKEY] (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really  tall?
SHREK] No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your  torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that  bother you?
DONKEY] Nope.
SHREK] Really?
DONKEY] Really, really.
SHREK] Oh.
DONKEY] Man, I like you. What's you name?
SHREK] Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY] Shrek? Well, you know what I like about  you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me  thing. I like that. I respect that,  Shrek. You all right. (They come over  a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)  Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live  in place like that?
SHREK] That would be my home.
DONKEY] Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.  You know you are quite a decorator.  It's amazing what you've done with such  a modest budget. I like that boulder.  That is a nice boulder. I guess you  don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK] I like my privacy.
DONKEY] You know, I do too. That's another thing  we have in common. Like I hate it when  you got somebody in your face. You've  trying to give them a hint, and they  won't leave. There's that awkward silence.  (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK] Uh, what?
DONKEY] Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK] (sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY] Really?
SHREK] No.
DONKEY] Please! I don't wanna go back there!  You don't know what it's like to be  considered a freak. (pause while he  looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.  But that's why we gotta stick together.  You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK] Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY] Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK] What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto  a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY] This is gonna be fun! We can stay up  late, swappin' manly stories, and in  the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK] Oh!
DONKEY] Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK] (irritated) Outside!
DONKEY] Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,  I don't know you, and you don't know  me, so I guess outside is best, you  know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek  slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do  like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was  born outside. I'll just be sitting by  myself outside, I guess, you know. By  myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's  no one here beside me...
SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT] Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights  a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a  noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK] (to Donkey) I thought I told you to  stay outside.
DONKEY] (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that  made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns  and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1] Well, gents, it's a far cry from the  farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2] It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDO] (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK] Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes  and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO] I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's  ear)
SHREK] Ow!
GORDO] Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1] Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO] How did you know?
SHREK] Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are  you doing in my house? (He gets bumped  from behind and he drops the mice.)  Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves  with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,  no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF] Where are we supposed to put her? The  bed's taken.
SHREK] Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.  The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at  him.
BIG BAD WOLF] What?
TIME LAPSE] Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging  him to the front door.
SHREK] I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm  a terrifying ogre! What do I have to  do get a little privacy? (He opens the  front door to throw the Wolf out and  he sees that all the collected Fairy  Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,  no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his  pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing  flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK] What are you doing in my swamp? (this  echoes and everyone falls silent.)

SHREK] All right, get out of here. All of you,  move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!  Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more  dwarves run inside the house) No, no!  No, no. Not there. Not there. (they  shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to  look at Donkey)
DONKEY] Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite  them.
PINOCCHIO] Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK] What?
PINOCCHIO] We were forced to come here.
SHREK] (flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG] Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed  and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK] (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where  this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY] Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK] Does anyone else know where to find  him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY] Me! Me!
SHREK] Anyone?
DONKEY] Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!  Me, me!
SHREK] (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy  tale things. Do not get comfortable.  Your welcome is officially worn out.  In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad  right now and get you all off my land  and back where you came from! (Pause.  Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)  You! You're comin' with me.
DONKEY] All right, that's what I like to hear,  man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart  friends, off on a whirlwind big-city  adventure. I love it!
DONKEY] (singing) On the road again. Sing it  with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get  on the road again.
SHREK] What did I say about singing?
DONKEY] Can I whistle?
SHREK] No.
DONKEY] Can I hum it?
SHREK] All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
DULOC - KITCHEN] A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually  dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD] That's enough. He's ready to talk.

FARQUAAD] (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs  and plays with them) Run, run, run,  as fast as you can. You can't catch  me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN] You are a monster.
FARQUAAD] I'm not the monster here. You are. You  and the rest of that fairy tale trash,  poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell  me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN] Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's  eye.)
FARQUAAD] I've tried to be fair to you creatures.  Now my patience has reached its end!  Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to  pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN] No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop  buttons.
FARQUAAD] All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN] Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the  muffin man?
FARQUAAD] The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN] The muffin man.
FARQUAAD] Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives  on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN] Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD] The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN] The muffin man!
FARQUAAD] She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD] My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD] Then what are you waiting for? Bring  it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.  They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic  Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN] (in awe) Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD] Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN] Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks  him up and dumps him into a trash can  with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD] Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.  Is this not the most perfect kingdom  of them all?
MIRROR] Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD] Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a  hand mirror and smashes it with his  fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR] What I mean is you're not a king yet.  But you can become one. All you have  to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD] Go on.
MIRROR] (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back  and relax, my lord, because it's time  for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.  And here they are! Bachelorette number  one is a mentally abused shut-in from  a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi  and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies  include cooking and cleaning for her  two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.  (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette  number two is a cape-wearing girl from  the land of fancy. Although she lives  with seven other men, she's not easy.  Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and  find out what a live wire she is. Come  on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows  picture of Snow White) And last, but  certainly not last, bachelorette number  three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded  castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!  But don't let that cool you off. She's  a loaded pistol who likes pina colads  and getting caught in the rain. Yours  for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows  picture of Princess Fiona) So will it  be bachelorette number one, bachelorette  number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS] Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD] Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS] Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number  three, my lord!
FARQUAAD] Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR] Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess  Fiona.
FARQUAAD] Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I  have to do is just find someone who  can go...
MIRROR] But I probably should mention the little  thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD] I'll do it.
MIRROR] Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD] Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona  my queen, and DuLoc will finally have  the perfect king! Captain, assemble  your finest men. We're going to have  a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking  lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY] But that's it. That's it right there.  That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
SHREK] So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY] Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK] Do you think maybe he's compensating  for something? (He laughs, but then  groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.  He continues walking through the parking  lot.)
DONKEY] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN] Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
SHREK] Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing  a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,  screams and begins running through the  rows of rope to get to the front gate  to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.  Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just  - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins  walking straight through the rows. The  attendant runs into a wall and falls  down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then  continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC] They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK] It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY] Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box  marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors  open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin  to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE] Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

DONKEY] Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready  to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK] (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)  No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD] Brave knights. You are the best and  brightest in all the land. Today one  of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena  Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK] All right. You're going the right way  for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY] Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD] That champion shall have the honor -  - no, no - - the privilege to go forth  and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona  from the fiery keep of the dragon. If  for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,  the first runner-up will take his place  and so on and so forth. Some of you  may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing  to make. (cheers) Let the tournament  begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is  that? It's hideous!
SHREK] (turns to look at Donkey and then back  at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.  It's just a donkey.
FARQUAAD] Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who  kills the ogre will be named champion!  Have it him!
MEN] Get him!
SHREK] Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps  into a table where there are mugs of  beer)
CROWD] Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK] (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just  settle this over a pint?
CROWD] Kill the beast!
SHREK] No? All right then. (drinks the beer)  Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel  of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the  other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides  past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.  As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger  beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.  Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much  fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice  to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY] Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek  gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK] Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time  and sees him.
WOMAN] The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men  are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding  sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you  very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try  the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on  Shrek.
HEAD GUARD] Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD] No, I have a better idea. People of  DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK] What?
FARQUAAD] Congratulations, ogre. You're won the  honor of embarking on a great and noble  quest.
SHREK] Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest  to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD] Your swamp?
SHREK] Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those  fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD] Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you  a deal. Go on this quest for me, and  I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK] Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD] Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK] And the squatters?
FARQUAAD] As good as gone.
SHREK] What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field  heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY] Let me get this straight. You're gonna  go fight a dragon and rescue a princess  just so Farquaad will give you back  a swamp which you only don't have because  he filled it full of freaks in the first  place. Is that about right?
SHREK] You know, maybe there's a good reason  donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY] I don't get it. Why don't you just pull  some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle  him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds  his bones to make your bread, the whole  ogre trip.
SHREK] Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have  decapitated an entire village and put  their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,  cut open their spleen and drink their  fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY] Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK] For your information, there's a lot  more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY] Example?
SHREK] Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.  (he holds out his onion)
DONKEY] (sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK] Yes - - No!
DONKEY] They make you cry?
SHREK] No!
DONKEY] You leave them in the sun, they get  all brown, start sproutin' little white  hairs.
SHREK] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres  have layers! Onions have layers. You  get it? We both have layers. (he heaves  a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY] (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both  have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,  not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody  loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK] I don't care... what everyone likes.  Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY] You know what else everybody likes?  Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,  you say, "Let's get some parfait," they  say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?  Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK] No! You dense, irritating, miniature  beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!  And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY] Parfaits may be the most delicious thing  on the whole damn planet.
SHREK] You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY] Do you have a tissue or something? I'm  making a mess. Just the word parfait  make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through  a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying  to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,  so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON'S KEEP] Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to  house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY] (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?  You gotta warn somebody before you just  crack one off. My mouth was open and  everything.
SHREK] Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd  be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We  must be getting close.
DONKEY] Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking  about it's the brimstone. I know what  I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It  didn't come off no stone neither.

SHREK] Sure, it's big enough, but look at the  location. (laughs...then the laugh turns  into a groan)
DONKEY] Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said  ogres have layers?
SHREK] Oh, aye.
DONKEY] Well, I have a bit of a confession to  make. Donkeys don't have layers. We  wear our fear right out there on our  sleeves.
SHREK] Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY] You know what I mean.
SHREK] You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY] No, I'm just a little uncomfortable  about being on a rickety bridge over  a boiling like of lava!
SHREK] Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside  ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll  just tackle this thing together one  little baby step at a time.
DONKEY] Really?
SHREK] Really, really.
DONKEY] Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK] Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY] Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.  Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't  look down. (he steps through a rotting  board and ends up looking straight down  into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!  Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me  off, please!
SHREK] But you're already halfway.
DONKEY] But I know that half is safe!
SHREK] Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.  You go back.
DONKEY] Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK] Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance  then, shall me? (bounces and sways the  bridge)
DONKEY] Don't do that!
SHREK] Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces  the bridge again)
DONKEY] Yes, that!
SHREK] Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to  bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across  the bridge)
DONKEY] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK] You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY] I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,  I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)  Oh!
SHREK] That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks  towards the castle)
DONKEY] Cool. So where is this fire-breathing  pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK] Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.  (chuckles)
DONKEY] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE]
DONKEY] You afraid?
SHREK] No.
DONKEY] But...
SHREK] Shh.
DONKEY] Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton  and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong  with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible  response to an unfamiliar situation.  Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might  add. With a dragon that breathes fire  and eats knights and breathes fire,  it sure doesn't mean you're a coward  if you're a little scared. I sure as  heck ain't no coward. I know that.
SHREK] Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.  Now go over there and see if you can  find any stairs.
DONKEY] Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for  the princess.
SHREK] (putting on a helmet) The princess will  be up the stairs in the highest room  in the tallest tower.
DONKEY] What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK] I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY] Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle  the stairs. I'll find those stairs.  I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs  won't know which way they're goin'.  (walks off)
EMPTY ROOM] Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY] I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it  to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm  the stair master. I've mastered the  stairs. I wish I had a step right here.  I'd step all over it.
ELSEWHERE] Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK] Well, at least we know where the princess  is, but where's the...
DONKEY] (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.  Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon  breathes fire.
SHREK] Donkey, look out! (he manages to get  a hold of the dragons tail and holds  on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek  goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the  tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying  on the floor.
DONKEY] Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small  part of the bridge he's on.
DONKEY] No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,  what large teeth you have. (the dragon  growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.  I know you probably hear this all time  from your food, but you must bleach,  'cause that is one dazzling smile you  got there. Do I detect a hint of minty  freshness? And you know what else? You're  - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!  I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.  You're just reeking of feminine beauty.  (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes  at him) What's the matter with you?  You got something in your eye? Ohh.  Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,  but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon  blows a smoke ring in the shape of a  heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm  an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd  work out if you're gonna blow smoke  rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him  up with her teeth and carries him off)  No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S ROOM] Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona  so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She  then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off  the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.  Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for  a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders  and shakes her away.
FIONA] Oh! Oh!
SHREK] Wake up!
FIONA] What?
SHREK] Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA] I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to  rescue me.
SHREK] Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
FIONA] But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our  first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,  romantic moment?
SHREK] Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
FIONA] Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should  sweep me off my feet out yonder window  and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK] You've had a lot of time to plan this,  haven't you?
FIONA] (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down  the hallway.
FIONA] But we have to savor this moment! You  could recite an epic poem for me. A  ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK] I don't think so.
FIONA] Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK] Uh, Shrek.
FIONA] Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds  out a handkerchief) I pray that you  take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK] Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
FIONA] (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
SHREK] It's on my to-do list. Now come on!  (takes off running and drags Fiona behind  him.)
FIONA] But this isn't right! You were meant  to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.  That's what all the other knights did.
SHREK] Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
FIONA] That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly  stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek  ignores her and heads for a wooden door  off to the side.) Wait. Where are you  going? The exit's over there.
SHREK] Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA] What kind of knight are you?
SHREK] One of a kind. (opens the door into  the throne room)
DONKEY] (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.  I believe it's healthy to get to know  someone over a long period of time.  Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs  worriedly) (we see him up close and  from a distance as Shrek sneaks into  the room) I don't want to rush into  a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally  ready for a commitment of, uh, this  - - Magnitude really is the word I'm  looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that  is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what  are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just  back up a little and take this one step  at a time. We really should get to know  each other first as friends or pen pals.  I'm on the road a lot, but I just love  receiving cards - - I'd really love  to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's  my tail! That's my personal tail. You're  gonna tear it off. I don't give permission  - - What are you gonna do with that?  Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.  No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings  toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks  up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.  He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps  Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.  Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and  roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto  her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms  a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey  take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and  then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
DONKEY] Hi, Princess!
FIONA] It talks!
SHREK] Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's  the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots  a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a  crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His  eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles  off and walks lightly.
SHREK] Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
SHREK] Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll  take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the  castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping  chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that  is still around the dragons neck.
SHREK] (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot  pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons  breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on  for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They  are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look  in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to  get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the  dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs  quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a  sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
FIONA] (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You  did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.  (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)  You're - - You're wonderful. You're...  (turns and sees Shrek fall down the  hill and bump into Donkey) a little  unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed  is great, and thy heart is pure. I am  eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears  his throat.) And where would a brave  knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY] I hope you heard that. She called me  a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
FIONA] The battle is won. You may remove your  helmet, good Sir Knight.
SHREK] Uh, no.
FIONA] Why not?
SHREK] I have helmet hair.
FIONA] Please. I would'st look upon the face  of my rescuer.
SHREK] No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
FIONA] But how will you kiss me?
SHREK] What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the  job description.
DONKEY] Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA] No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know  how it goes. A princess locked in a  tower and beset by a dragon is rescued  by a brave knight, and then they share  true love's first kiss.
DONKEY] Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.  Wait. You think that Shrek is you true  love?
FIONA] Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
DONKEY] You think Shrek is your true love!
FIONA] What is so funny?
SHREK] Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:  Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.  Now - - Now remove your helmet.
SHREK] Look. I really don't think this is a  good idea.
FIONA] Just take off the helmet.
SHREK] I'm not going to.
FIONA] Take it off.
SHREK] No!
FIONA] Now!
SHREK] Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.  (takes off his helmet)
FIONA] You- - You're a- - an ogre.
SHREK] Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
FIONA] Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is  all wrong. You're not supposed to be  an ogre.
SHREK] Princess, I was sent to rescue you by  Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who  wants to marry you.
FIONA] Then why didn't he come rescue me?
SHREK] Good question. You should ask him that  when we get there.
FIONA] But I have to be rescued by my true  love, not by some ogre and his- - his  pet.
DONKEY] Well, so much for noble steed.
SHREK] You're not making my job any easier.
FIONA] I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.  You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he  wants to rescue me properly, I'll be  waiting for him right here.
SHREK] Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all  right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.  (he swiftly picks her up and swings  her over his shoulder like she was a  sack of potatoes)
FIONA] You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
SHREK] Ya comin', Donkey?
DONKEY] I'm right behind ya.
FIONA] Put me down, or you will suffer the  consequences! This is not dignified!  Put me down!
WOODS] A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just  hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
DONKEY] Okay, so here's another question. Say  there's a woman that digs you, right,  but you don't really like her that way.  How do you let her down real easy so  her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't  get burned to a crisp and eaten?
FIONA] You just tell her she's not your true  love. Everyone knows what happens when  you find your...(Shrek drops her on  the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to  DuLoc the better.
DONKEY] You're gonna love it there, Princess.  It's beautiful!
FIONA] And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?  What's he like?
SHREK] Let me put it this way, Princess. Men  of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.  (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off  the dust and grime.
DONKEY] I don't know. There are those who think  little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:  Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're  just jealous you can never measure up  to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
SHREK] Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.  But I'll let you do the "measuring"  when you see him tomorrow.
FIONA] (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?  It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop  to make camp?
SHREK] No, that'll take longer. We can keep  going.
FIONA] But there's robbers in the woods.
DONKEY] Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting  to sound good.
SHREK] Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything  we're going to see in this forest.
FIONA] I need to find somewhere to camp now!

MOUNTAIN CLIFF] Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves  a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
SHREK] Hey! Over here.
DONKEY] Shrek, we can do better than that. I  don't think this is fit for a princess.
FIONA] No, no, it's perfect. It just needs  a few homey touches.
SHREK] Homey touches? Like what? (he hears  a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona  who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
FIONA] A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee  good night. (goes into the cave and  puts the bark door up behind her)
DONKEY] You want me to read you a bedtime story?  I will.
FIONA] (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the  boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona  still inside.
DONKEY] Shrek, What are you doing?
SHREK] (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,  come on. I was just kidding.
LATER THAT NIGHT] Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring  up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations  to Donkey.
SHREK] And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,  the only ogre to ever spit over three  wheat fields.
DONKEY] Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future  from these stars?
SHREK] The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.  They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,  the Flatulent. You can guess what he's  famous for.
DONKEY] I know you're making this up.
SHREK] No, look. There he is, and there's the  group of hunters running away from his  stench.
DONKEY] That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little  dots.
SHREK] You know, Donkey, sometimes things are  more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
DONKEY] (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what  we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK] Our swamp?
DONKEY] You know, when we're through rescuing  the princess.
SHREK] We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's  no "our". There's just me and my swamp.  The first thing I'm gonna do is build  a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real  deep just now. You know what I think?  I think this whole wall thing is just  a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK] No, do ya think?
DONKEY] Are you hidin' something?
SHREK] Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY] Oh, this is another one of those onion  things, isn't it?
SHREK] No, this is one of those drop-it and  leave-it alone things.
DONKEY] Why don't you want to talk about it?
SHREK] Why do you want to talk about it?
DONKEY] Why are you blocking?
SHREK] I'm not blocking.
DONKEY] Oh, yes, you are.
SHREK] Donkey, I'm warning you.
DONKEY] Who you trying to keep out?
SHREK] Everyone! Okay?
DONKEY] (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.  (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to  the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
SHREK] Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and  walks over to the edge of the cliff  and sits down)
DONKEY] What's your problem? What you got against  the whole world anyway?
SHREK] Look, I'm not the one with the problem,  okay? It's the world that seems to have  a problem with me. People take one look  at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,  stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before  they even know me. That's why I'm better  off alone.
DONKEY] You know what? When we met, I didn't  think you was just a big, stupid, ugly  ogre.
SHREK] Yeah, I know.
DONKEY] So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
SHREK] Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small  and Annoying.
DONKEY] Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny  one, right there. That one there?

SHREK] That's the moon.
DONKEY] Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays  in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic  Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
FARQUAAD] Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,  show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR] Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
FARQUAAD] Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up  to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly  at her image in the mirror.
MORNING] Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey  who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes  across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along  with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles  to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too  big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but  she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona  is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still  sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking  in his sleep.
DONKEY] (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like  it like that. Come on, baby. I said  I like it.
SHREK] Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
DONKEY] Huh? What?
SHREK] Wake up.
DONKEY] What? (stretches and yawns)
FIONA] Good morning. Hm, how do you like your  eggs?
DONKEY] Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
SHREK] What's all this about?
FIONA] You know, we kind of got off to a bad  start yesterday. I wanted to make it  up to you. I mean, after all, you did  rescue me.
SHREK] Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
FIONA] Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead  of us. (walks off)
LATER] They are once again on their way. They are walking through the  forest. Shrek belches.
DONKEY] Shrek!
SHREK] What? It's a compliment. Better out  than in, I always say. (laughs)
DONKEY] Well, it's no way to behave in front  of a princess. Fiona belches
FIONA] Thanks.
DONKEY] She's as nasty as you are.
SHREK] (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly  what I expected.
FIONA] Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people  before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly  from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into  a tree.
ROBIN HOOD] La liberte! Hey!
SHREK] Princess!
FIONA] (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
ROBIN HOOD] Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!  And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses  up her arm while Fiona pulls back in  disgust)...beast.
SHREK] Hey! That's my princess! Go find you  own!
ROBIN HOOD] Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a  little busy here?
FIONA] (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't  know who you think you are!
ROBIN HOOD] Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please  let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.  (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out  from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
MERRY MEN] Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
ROBIN HOOD] I steal from the rich and give to the  needy.
MERRY MEN] He takes a wee percentage,
ROBIN HOOD] But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty  damsels, man, I'm good.
MERRY MEN] What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
ROBIN HOOD] Break it down. I like an honest fight  and a saucy little maid...
MERRY MEN] What he's basically saying is he likes  to get...
ROBIN HOOD] Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush  grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
MERRY MEN] That's bad.
ROBIN HOOD] When a beauty's with a beast it makes  me awfully mad.
MERRY MEN] He's mad, he's really, really mad.
ROBIN HOOD] I'll take my blade and ram it through  your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys  'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and  knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
FIONA] Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration.
MERRY MAN] Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at  Fiona but she ducks out of the way)


FIONA] Uh, shall we?
SHREK] Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins  walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,  whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come  from?
FIONA] What?
SHREK] That! Back there. That was amazing!  Where did you learn that?
FIONA] Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,  uh, one has to learn these things in  case there's a...(gasps and points)  there's an arrow in your butt!
SHREK] What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you  look at that? (he goes to pull it out  but flinches because it's tender)
FIONA] Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so  sorry.
DONKEY] (walking up) Why? What's wrong?
FIONA] Shrek's hurt.
DONKEY] Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,  Shrek's gonna die.
SHREK] Donkey, I'm okay.
DONKEY] You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm  too young for you to die. Keep you legs  elevated. Turn your head and cough.  Does anyone know the Heimlich?
FIONA] Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help  Shrek, run into the woods and find me  a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY] Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on  it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die  Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay  away from the light!
SHREK & FIONA] Donkey!
DONKEY] Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.  (runs off)
SHREK] What are the flowers for?
FIONA] (like it's obvious) For getting rid  of Donkey.
SHREK] Ah.
FIONA] Now you hold still, and I'll yank this  thing out. (gives the arrow a little  pull)
SHREK] (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the  yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and  Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
FIONA] I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK] No, it's tender.
FIONA] Now, hold on.
SHREK] What you're doing is the opposite of  help.
FIONA] Don't move.
SHREK] Look, time out.
FIONA] Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his  hand over her face to stop her from  getting at the arrow) Okay. What do  you propose we do?
ELSEWHERE] Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
DONKEY] Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,  red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.  This would be so much easier if I wasn't  color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK] (os) Ow!
DONKEY] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a  flower off a nearby bush that just happens  to be a blue flower with red thorns)
THE FOREST PATH]
SHREK] Ow! Not good.
FIONA] Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.  (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just  about...
SHREK] Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall  over with Fiona on top of him)
DONKEY] Ahem.
SHREK] (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing  happend. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY] Look, if you wanted to be alone, all  you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK] Oh, come on! That's the last thing on  my mind. The princess here was just-  - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he  turns to look at Fiona who holds up  the arrow with a smile) Ow!
DONKEY] Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)  That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue  on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.  Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a  small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as  Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back  into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting  and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb  that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it  around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins  eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.  Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting  it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning  it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group  arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
WINDMILL]
SHREK] There it is, Princess. Your future awaits  you.
FIONA] That's DuLoc?
DONKEY] Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks  Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really...(Shrek  steps on his hoof) Ow!
SHREK] Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move  on.
FIONA] Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried  about Donkey.
SHREK] What?
FIONA] I mean, look at him. He doesn't look  so good.
DONKEY] What are you talking about? I'm fine.
FIONA] (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's  what they always say, and then next  thing you know, you're on your back.  (pause) Dead.
SHREK] You know, she's right. You look awful.  Do you want to sit down?
FIONA] Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
DONKEY] I didn't want to say nothin', but I  got this twinge in my neck, and when  I turn my head like this, look, (turns  his neck in a very sharp way until his  head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
SHREK] Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
FIONA] I'll get the firewood.
DONKEY] Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't  feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)  I don't have any toes! I think I need  a hug.
SUNSET] Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while  Fiona eats.
FIONA] Mmm. This is good. This is really good.  What is this?
SHREK] Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
FIONA] No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK] Well, they're also great in stews. Now,  I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean  weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
FIONA] I guess I'll be dining a little differently  tomorrow night.
SHREK] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp  sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff  for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare  - - you name it.
FIONA] (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other.
SHREK] Um, Princess?
FIONA] Yes, Shrek?
SHREK] I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)  Are you gonna eat that?
DONKEY] (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?  Just look at that sunset.
FIONA] (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's  late. I-It's very late.
SHREK] What?
DONKEY] Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on  here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't  you?
FIONA] Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.  You know, I'd better go inside.
DONKEY] Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to  be afraid of the dark, too, until -  - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of  the dark. Shrek sighs
FIONA] Good night.
SHREK] Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks  at Shrek with a new eye.
DONKEY] Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on  here.
SHREK] Oh, what are you talkin' about?
DONKEY] I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm  an animal, and I got instincts. And  I know you two were diggin' on each  other. I could feel it.
SHREK] You're crazy. I'm just bringing her  back to Farquaad.
DONKEY] Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell  the pheromones. Just go on in and tell  her how you feel.
SHREK] I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,  even if I did tell her that, well, you  know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause  I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
- -]DONKEY] An ogre?
SHREK] Yeah. An ogre.
DONKEY] Hey, where you goin'?
SHREK] To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already  is.
TIME LAPSE] Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is  nowhere to be seen.
DONKEY] Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,  where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
DONKEY] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing  no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't  look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking  out.
DONKEY] Aah!
FIONA] Oh, no!
DONKEY] No, help!
FIONA] Shh!
DONKEY] Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA] No, it's okay. It's okay.
DONKEY] What did you do with the princess?
FIONA] Donkey, I'm the princess.
DONKEY] Aah!
FIONA] It's me, in this body.
DONKEY] Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to  her stomach) Can you hear me?
FIONA] Donkey!
DONKEY] (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,  keep breathing! I'll get you out of  there!
FIONA] No!
DONKEY] Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA] Shh.
DONKEY] Shrek!
FIONA] This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets  down.
DONKEY] Princess? What happened to you? You're,  uh, uh, uh, different.
FIONA] I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY] Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?  'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a  bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.  Now - -
FIONA] No. I - - I've been this way as long  as I can remember.
DONKEY] What do you mean? Look, I ain't never  seen you like this before.
FIONA] It only happens when sun goes down.  "By night one way, by day another. This  shall be the norm... until you find  true love's first kiss... and then take  love's true form."
DONKEY] Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know  you wrote poetry.
FIONA] It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little  girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every  night I become this. This horrible,  ugly beast! I was placed in a tower  to await the day my true love would  rescue me. That's why I have to marry  Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun  sets and he sees me like this. (begins  to cry)
DONKEY] All right, all right. Calm down. Look,  it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.  Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.  But you only look like this at night.  Shrek's ugly 24-7.
FIONA] But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this  is not how a princess is meant to look.
DONKEY] Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry  Farquaad?
FIONA] I have to. Only my true love's kiss  can break the spell.
DONKEY] But, you know, um, you're kind of an  orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a  lot in common.
FIONA] Shrek?
OUTSIDE] Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his  hand.
SHREK] (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's  it going, first of all? Good? Um, good  for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower  and thought of you because it's pretty  and - - well, I don't really like it,  but I thought you might like it 'cause  you're pretty. But I like you anyway.  I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.  Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey  and Fiona talking.
FIONA] (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.  Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,  really, who can ever love a beast so  hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"  don't go together. That's why I can't  stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock.
FIONA] (os) My only chance to live happily  ever after is to marry my true love.

INSIDE]
FIONA] Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how  it has to be. It's the only way to break  the spell.
DONKEY] You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA] No! You can't breathe a word. No one  must ever know.
DONKEY] What's the point of being able to talk  if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA] Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY] All right, all right. I won't tell him.  But you should. (goes outside) I just  know before this is over, I'm gonna  need a whole lot of serious therapy.  Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks  down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back  inside the windmill.
MORNING] Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still  awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
FIONA] I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,  I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly  runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!  Shrek, there's something I want...(she  looks and sees the rising sun, and as  the sun crests the sky she turns back  into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards  her.
FIONA] Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK] Perfect! Never been better.
FIONA] I - - I don't - - There's something  I have to tell you.
SHREK] You don't have to tell me anything,  Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA] You heard what I said?
SHREK] Every word.
FIONA] I thought you'd understand.
SHREK] Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who  could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA] But I thought that wouldn't matter to  you.
SHREK] Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at  him in shock. He looks past her and  spots a group approaching.) Ah, right  on time. Princess, I've brought you  a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal  sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only  like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers  march by.
DONKEY] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots  the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?  Couldn't have been the donkey.
FARQUAAD] Princess Fiona.
SHREK] As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD] Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece  of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared  out, as agreed. Take it and go before  I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)  Forgive me, Princess, for startling  you, but you startled me, for I have  never seen such a radiant beauty before.  I'm Lord Farquaad.
FIONA] Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad  snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,  for I was just saying a short... (Watches  as Farquaad is lifted off his horse  and set down in front of her. He comes  to her waist.) farewell.
FARQUAAD] Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have  to waste good manners on the ogre. It's  not like it has feelings.
FIONA] No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
FARQUAAD] Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless  Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.  Will you be the perfect bride for the  perfect groom?
FIONA] Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would  make - -
FARQUAAD] (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start  the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA] No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get  married today before the sun sets.
FARQUAAD] Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.  The sooner, the better. There's so much  to do! There's the caterer, the cake,  the band, the guest list. Captain, round  up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona  on the back of his horse)
FIONA] Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches  them go.
DONKEY] Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting  her get away.
SHREK] Yeah? So what?
DONKEY] Shrek, there's something about her you  don't know. Look, I talked to her last  night, She's - -
SHREK] I know you talked to her last night.  You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if  you two are such good friends, why don't  you follow her home?
DONKEY] Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
SHREK] I told you, didn't I? You're not coming  home with me. I live alone! My swamp!  Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!  Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,  talking donkeys!
DONKEY] But I thought - -
SHREK] Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!  (stomps off)
DONKEY] Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona  being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running  into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner  alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
SHREK'S HOME] Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes  outside to investigate.
SHREK] Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues  with what he's doing.) What are you  doing?
DONKEY] I would think, of all people, you would  recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK] Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed  to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY] It is around your half. See that's your  half, and this is my half.
SHREK] Oh! Your half. Hmm.
DONKEY] Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.  I did half the work. I get half the  booty. Now hand me that big old rock,  the one that looks like your head.
SHREK] Back off!
DONKEY] No, you back off.
SHREK] This is my swamp!
DONKEY] Our swamp.
SHREK] (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working  with) Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY] You let go.
SHREK] Stubborn jackass!
DONKEY] Smelly ogre.
SHREK] Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks  away)
DONKEY] Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through  with you yet.
SHREK] Well, I'm through with you.
DONKEY] Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,  "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now  it's my turn! So you just shut up and  pay attention! You are mean to me. You  insult me and you don't appreciate anything  that I do! You're always pushing me  around or pushing me away.
SHREK] Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so  bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY] Because that's what friends do! They  forgive each other!
SHREK] Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive  you... for stabbin' me in the back!  (goes into the outhouse and slams the  door)
DONKEY] Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,  onion boy, you're afraid of your own  feelings.
SHREK] (os) Go away!
DONKEY] There you are , doing it again just  like you did to Fiona. All she ever  do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK] (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a  hideous creature. I heard the two of  you talking.
DONKEY] She wasn't talkin' about you. She was  talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
SHREK] (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't  talking about me? Well, then who was  she talking about?
DONKEY] Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.  You don't wanna listen to me. Right?  Right?
SHREK] Donkey!
DONKEY] No!
SHREK] Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)  I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,  stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
DONKEY] Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
SHREK] Right. Friends?
DONKEY] Friends.
SHREK] So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY] What are you asking me for? Why don't  you just go ask her?
SHREK] The wedding! We'll never make it in  time.
DONKEY] Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's  a will, there's a way and I have a way.  (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so  they can climb on.
SHREK] Donkey?
DONKEY] I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

SHREK] Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a  noogie)
DONKEY] All right, all right. Don't get all  slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All  right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't  had a chance to install the seat belts  yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
DULOC - CHURCH] Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.  The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
PRIEST] People of DuLoc, we gather here today  to bear witness to the union....
FIONA] (eyeing the setting sun) Um-
PRIEST] ...of our new king...
FIONA] Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead  to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD] (chuckles and then motions to the priest  to indulge Fiona) Go on.
COURTYARD] Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with  a boom. The guards all take off running.
DONKEY] (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.  If we need you, I'll whistle. How about  that? (she nods and goes after the guards)  Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You  wanna do this right, don't you?
SHREK] (at the Church door) What are you talking  about?
DONKEY] There's a line you gotta wait for. The  preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or  forever hold your peace." That's when  you say, "I object!"
SHREK] I don't have time for this!
DONKEY] Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen  to me! Look, you love this woman, don't  you?
SHREK] Yes.
DONKEY] You wanna hold her?
SHREK] Yes.
DONKEY] Please her?
SHREK] Yes!
DONKEY] (singing James Brown style) Then you  got to, got to try a little tenderness.  (normal) The chicks love that romantic  crap!
SHREK] All right! Cut it out. When does this  guy say the line?
DONKEY] We gotta check it out.
INSIDE CHURCH] As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the  windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
PRIEST] And so, by the power vested in me...

SHREK] What do you see?
DONKEY] The whole town's in there. Inside
PRIEST] I now pronounce you husband and wife...

DONKEY] They're at the altar. Inside
PRIEST] ...king and queen. Outside
DONKEY] Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK] Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
INSIDE CHURCH]
SHREK] (running toward the alter) I object!
FIONA] Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
FARQUAAD] Oh, now what does he want?
SHREK] (to congregation as he reaches the front  of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'  a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first  of all. Very clean.
FIONA] What are you doing here?
SHREK] Really, it's rude enough being alive  when no one wants you, but showing up  uninvited to a wedding...
SHREK] Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA] Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little  late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
- -]SHREK] But you can't marry him.
FIONA] And why not?
SHREK] Because- - Because he's just marring  you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD] Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
SHREK] He's not your true love.
FIONA] And what do you know about true love?
SHREK] Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
FARQUAAD] Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen  in love with the princess! Oh, good  Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The  whole congregation laughs.
FARQUAAD] An ogre and a princess!
FIONA] Shrek, is this true?
FARQUAAD] Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,  my love, we're but a kiss away from  our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!  (puckers his lips and leans toward her,  but she pulls back.)
FIONA] (looking at the setting sun) "By night  one way, by day another." (to Shrek)  I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.  She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
SHREK] Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona  smiles)
FARQUAAD] Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!  I order you to get that out of my sight  now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights  them.
SHREK] No, no!
FIONA] Shrek!
FARQUAAD] This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This  marriage is binding, and that makes  me king! See? See?
FIONA] No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK] No!
FARQUAAD] Don't just stand there, you morons.
SHREK] Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
FARQUAAD] I'll make you regret the day we met.  I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll  beg for death to save you!
FIONA] No, Shrek!
FARQUAAD] (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And  as for you, my wife...
SHREK] Fiona!
FARQUAAD] I'll have you locked back in that tower  for the rest of your days! I'm king!

FARQUAAD] I will have order! I will have perfection!  I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon  show up and the dragon leans down and  eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
DONKEY] All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon  here, and I'm not afraid to use it.  (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on  the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth  and falls to the ground.
DONKEY] Celebrity marriages. They never last,  do they? The congregation cheers.
DONKEY] Go ahead, Shrek.
SHREK] Uh, Fiona?
FIONA] Yes, Shrek?
SHREK] I - - I love you.
FIONA] Really?
SHREK] Really, really.
FIONA] (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes  'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
CONGREGATION] Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted  up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around  her.
WHISPERS] "Until you find true love's first kiss  and then take love's true form. Take  love's true form. Take love's true form."

SHREK] (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are  you all right?
FIONA] (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,  yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed  to be beautiful.
SHREK] But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other.
DONKEY] (chuckles) I was hoping this would be  a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
THE SWAMP] ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm  a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek  and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting  carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet  which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end  up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet  instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now  has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona  walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over  singing the song.
GINGERBREAD MAN] God bless us, every one.
DONKEY] (as he's done singing and we fade to  black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't  breathe. I can't breathe.